Everyone thinks their situation is worse than the next or that they’re the only one going through and I was no exception.
Seems like it’s always that fine moment when someone approaches with... "Hey, How you doing?" My smile then was actually two-fold 'cause it instantly uplifted me and it concealed my reality.
"I’m good" and the conversation ensues about the great things. All the while, I’m thinking…but I’m not alright.
My frustration pushed me to the edge, to my absolute limit. I can’t go any further than this.
It’s either ride or die they say. Kind of a catch 22 'cause I’m jumping to my death if I take one more step or I’m killing the me that feels so high when I hit my pipe escaping from all reality. I’m not realizing that each hit is taking me further and further away from my divine destiny.
Shhhh… a faint whisper is calling to me, trying to convince me of another way. I actually hear it but I refuse to release the pipe clinched tight in my hand because that cocaine is so, it’s so breathtaking or so I thought… more like life taking.
And the tug becomes stronger, my chest becomes tighter and my stomach is twisted. Why is it now that I’ve become so convicted?
Yet I close my eyes and dive once again into my muddy puddle of sinful bliss only to be awakened, choking and gasping, drowning in a turbulent ocean of pain.
It felt so cold and so cruel, God snatched me up and stripped me of all my shiny baubles.
I’m claustrophobic in this box, being deafened by silence.
And He waits...
And I roll my eyes…
And He still waits.
I feel such an uneasiness in my soul. The rubber band of my very being is stretched and I squint my eyes like a little girl because I can no longer resist.
I let go.
And I start to see everything with clearer eyes, old beliefs begin to shatter. My appetite for cocaine is dissolving like salt on my tongue until that desire diminishes to repulsiveness. Like being served cold spit in a mason jar.
God has revealed its revolting and empty truth.
I climb out of my box but am I really free? I’m weak, I’m scared, I’m vulnerable and I realize my loneliness is deliberate. My journey of personal growth - is personal, it’s a solo journey.
She nourishes me with the word and her special love. Yet my limbs are meek and wobbly as I cautiously take each step.
And I question, am I alright?
Each passing day I find a new sense of self responsibility. The depression and exhaustion I used to feel is no longer my truth. I start my days with a rising sense of curiosity about my purpose and a growing awareness of inner transformation. I’m hungry, I’m eager, wanting to grow. I want to reclaim every SINGLE thing that the devil stole. And yet there is opposition…
My emotions spiral in a maze-like direction as the pains of yesterday flash before me with a confusing mix of rhetorical questions and that glossy pipe is making me dizzy spinning around in my head trying to hypnotize me.
Then I rely on my teachings and God’s word: Turn my eyes away from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.
The spinning stops.
I’m feeling alright.
I am alright.